Wednesday, 25 May 2011

teenage dream

I love this song. It goes on in the car when I need a bit of a pep talk in the mornings. I drive a slightly longer distance to a couple of peripheral clinics a couple of days a week and sometimes the best part is driving in the car music turned up and forgetting all about work/clinics/life. Sometimes a bit of space is good. I have a mental playlist of my own feel good songs. Sometimes I think I haven't enjoyed chunks of time at school, at uni, my year out blah, blah, concerned about what people think, passing exams, my weight, my face blah blah. I always think it'll get better, I'll try harder but sometimes I forget to just live. Do my best and be done. But even with Katy Perry it's difficult. And now I need to decide should I go to a ball? I've got this fear of balls, from school I think and yet almost 10 years later it's stuck with me. I guess I should tell myself to get over it. It's definitely about time.

Listening to: Katy Perry - Teenage Dream
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, 21 May 2011

catch up

I seem to permanently play catch up with one thing or another. I hoovered, tidied, cleared and filled out paperwork today. Oh the joys. Now it seems it would have been much easier to stay put instead of moving to the other end of the country. Monday looks like it'll be a day of phone calls and sorting. But for now I have time to myself, all to myself. Quite a luxury. So much so, I went and bought a Wii. Only to discover when I reached home and started piecing it together the bloody thing doesn't seem to connect to the TV, or should I say it connects but doesn't work. No idea why. Cue a second trip to the shops and another adaptor later and low and behold it still doesn't work. Pants, I'm stuck. Yet again I feel I need a man. I just about managed to stop myself from asking the checkout guy to come home and fix it. He might have just taken it the wrong way eh. Anyway, I'm off to have another go and hope that it doesn't end up with me throwing the whole thing out the window. Relaxation anyone?

Friday, 6 May 2011


I'm starting nights again. It's a wee bit daunting in psychiatry. There's the main hospital, then several outlying wards so I tend to hop in the car if I'm called down to them at night. Of course the radio comes on and I'm privy to the weird and wonderful night time anthems on the waves. But there's something almost soothing about those beats, well thuds, when the night is at it's darkest. Somehow it's like I'm in limbo waiting for the morning sun. At that time, the problems of the day seem small, a million miles away. And you know sometimes I quite like it.

Listening to: Chase & Status & Delilah - Time
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

moments and usefulness

So after thinking about wishing away time I sat in clinic today and tried hard not to wish it was over. You know doing as I say and all that. The first two patients didn't show up and I was left twiddling my thunbs. Sun shining outside and here I was stuck inside. Bah. So I sucked it up and got out a book, all be it "on death and dying" (Elizabeth Kubler Ross) but a fascinating read. It should be on some sort of reading list at university. Such an important part of work but overlooked in so many ways.
Then I listened to some cheesy pop on the way home. Sometimes we all need an escape.
Listening to: Alexis Jordan - Happiness
via FoxyTunes

Monday, 25 April 2011


This makes me smile. It was in an apple advert a year or two ago. I'm not even sure if they sing anythingelse.
Listening to: Chairlift - Bruises
via FoxyTunes


Now that I'm working closer to 9-5, I seem to get that oh god it's monday feeling on a nice lazy sunday evening. Gah. Horrible. But nonetheless I grumble my way round monday mornings and drag my self into work. I spend the morning thinking of the one hundred and one other jobs I'd rather do then by midday or so I've kinda realised I'm stuck with my lot and what the hell am I thinking, just get on with it for christ's sake woman. Then the afternoon goes by and I get so happy at the prospect of home time, anyone would think I was back at school. And here we are. Wishing my life away, one chunk at a time. I'll do that, AFTER my exams, after my results,after 1 st year after 5 th year and so we go; wishing life away slowly; but, surely there's more to enjoy than exams, study, assessments, work. Ha! Wishful thinking. But then I was actually thinking for once and you know perhaps this is just the season of work, of passing exams, of jumping through hoops. Maybe I should just try and enjoy it, rather than fighting it all the time. Just Maybe. I'm game to give the new theory a go. For one thing it has to be more fun!
Listening to: Martin Solveig & Dragonette - Hello
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, 24 April 2011

random thoughts on a sunny sunday

My head's all over the place. The better part is I finally did some letters this morning. They were hanging over me and it doesn't help that I'm not a great fan of writing/dictating for work. So phew, I can relax, well, at least until tomorrow then it all starts again. Rubbish.

I also love this song. We watched Jack and Sarah and it's in such a sweet scene there. "I wanna fall through the stars straight into your arms..."

So to go all old school, I think I've got a bit of a crush going on. I'm so all over the place mind you. I worked with this guy for a bit and kinda had that "ooo, your kinda hot in a wow your good at your job way." But nothing ever happened. And I changed jobs. Bumped into him occasionally but he never said much so I didn't think much. Move on another few months and as I drag all my worldly belongings into the hospital accommadation I would be in for the next year and who rocks up. Yes, him. So then he lives down stairs from me for, what, yes that's right another 8 months maybe. And NOTHING. He was with another girl for a few months I think so I guess that explains some of it but still I'm confused. We all happened to be at the pub the other night and he was there. I think I managed a couple of words and that was it. WHAT?! So here we are none the wiser.

I have no idea when it comes to men. Bah.

Listening to: Simply Red - Stars
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, 21 April 2011


I was sat in my first clinic. The phone rang. The receptionist, "A patient has arrived, he asked for Dr.... that's you, right?" Really, me? I caught my breath. It hit me. I guess I am a doctor but somehow this all felt too grown up and the responsibility, WHAT! this can't be true. But it was and it was my responsibility to tease out this guy's issues and provide something resembling a solution. Surreal. And almost kinda fun.

Sunday, 17 April 2011

finding my groove

I think I used to think five years and bam, you're a doctor. You learn the knowledge and put it into practice, right? I'm sure you'll agree it's not quite like that. I'm working under a consultant just now who will retire just as I finish the job. He's worked, in various capacities as a doctor for, I'm guessing, 40 years at least. Experience is priceless. Learning how to tackle the concotion of issues patients, relatives, fellow staff, establishments throw up each day is invaluable. As time creeps on, in the space of a year or two, the art of observing, of patience and of calm in the face of chaos, become covetted skills. The art of being able to say, "We can watch, we can wait" even for a moment longer, can bring clarity to a situation looking dire moments before. From cardiac arrest calls to irritatinf relatives to the angry patient that moment, I'm learning is vital. Just as finals are complete at medical school, it's easy to think that's it, but the more I work, the more I realise that was just the very beginning of a long road, a long road of continual learning, adjusting, reviewing, reading, interacting and hopefully, enjoying. Though it times it seems impossible, I'm doing my best to learn from the older folk, they've seen a lot and that counts for a lot.

Saturday, 16 April 2011


His mother strode along the corridor, "oh quieten will you, nobody's after you," something she's said for 30 years or so. Thirty years caring for her son. And now we're at a loss. He's been to many facilities; turned away from many, not coped in many. And here we are again, rejections and options running thin. He shouts, shouts louder, paces, hands failing. The uncertainty is too much. These voices have troubled him from youth, from those early teen years. When the shouting settles, a shell of a man remains, apologising profusely, unable to control these outbursts. A personality somehow evades this chap, destroyed even before it had a chance to blossom. The voices, the thoughts too much for a child to handle. And now a grown man, lost, fumbling, child like in the midst of the harsh adult world. But his mother is still with me, his father hobbles along propped up by a stick. The father is quiet and full of thanks but with a look of defeat, of regret, of a hard life. His mother is tearful, wanting the best for her boy. A boy who is long since a man, yet troubled with the affliction of illness. Illness that has halted a personality, distroyed hopes of a life expected as the norm at birth. Illness that society all too quickly rejects or ignores, frightened of what lies beneath, frightened of the possibility. Even the highest does of the best medicines do not seem to help, the illness runs too deep, too entrenched. This is medicine.

Saturday, 9 April 2011


I used to think if you worked hard, did right, looked after yourself things would be fine. Sometimes I long for that innocence. Medicine is tough. I thought it was tough because of the endless exams, the long hours, the emergencies, the difficult decisions. The hardest part for me is chance. Disease isn't selective, the healthiest folk can be devastated, the survivor can be pummelled again and again by disease, the healthy mind can be engulfed by terrifying thoughts. Chance is the possiblility of being born into a family; broken by abuse, drugs, alcohol. Chance is the possiblility of being born fit and well into a happy home.

I struggle with finding the balance; realising that just because we often see the worst of humanity, it does not mean that this accounts for the majority of humanity. Sometimes it's all too easy to lose it. I hope I can work on finding a happy balance.

Friday, 8 April 2011

In the mind

I'm trying to read some psychiatry stuff and I'm thinking what would a mental state exam on me say. What would someone think of my beahviour and appearance, my mood, my thoughts.... and what would I think of their assessment. Psychiatry is so personal, so invasive but this is what makes it so fascinating. What happens in the chemistry of the brain to trigger persecutory delusions, flights of ideas, pressure of speech, florid halucinations and psychosis? It mind boggling and intriguing. It's daunting. I think I'm almost looking forward to getting stuck in. But first a lot of reading, I feel quite out of my depth.
Listening to: The Wallflowers - Into The Mystic
via FoxyTunes

Monday, 4 April 2011

quiet times

It's almost time to change jobs. It's been a tense four months. Rota quibbles, job applications, exams and interviews, beliefs challenged, arms and legs stretched (and strained). But the endless nigths and weekends on call, meant that I had days offs in the week to catch up, sort out the piles of paperwork and sleep. I'm not very good at appreciating these times, I worry, I pace, I tear my hair out. I'm heading to a (hopefully) more relaxed job, more normal hours but probably less random days off so it's only now I have sortof appreciated these quiet days. Time for thinking, resting and I guess, doing nothing! A bit of a luxury.

Listening to: Cary Brothers - Ride
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, 30 March 2011


Last day of my holiday today; had a lie in (finally after a week and a half I learn to sleep in to only have to get up early again tomorrow, oh the hardship!). I also realise I need struture: I don't do so well without it; I worry, I fritter around and I get fed up. Only another few days and it'll be change over time with work so last weekend in this job coming up.

So I've been to Orkney with one of my old and good friends. We had a grand jolly, saw plenty of the historical things and even managed a bit of shopping. Listened to good tunes in the car while driving and met some interesting folk. Have now caught up with Downton Abbey and Sense and Sensibility so am quite saturated with period dramas and now love them despite reservations at first. I love the way that some things really don't change. I've done lots of chatting over tea and cakes with good friends and even managed to squeeze in a little bit of work stuff. Time off is definitely to be appreciated.

Listening to: Bruno Mars - talking to the moon
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

a 1000 gifts

  • days off and friends who like tea
  • friends who take the time to visit and like road trips
  • inspirational conversations with strangers
  • strangers who offer a sort of familiar face when all will be new
  • a shiny new phone with a camera so no excuse for no photos
  • foundation that almost doesn't look like foundation
  • pretty dresses for a night out on the town with the same friends who like tea
  • legs that don't mind dancing all night long, even in heels
  • a job that gives me days off to do all these things

Listening to: Fleetwood Mac - Landslide
via FoxyTunes


I've popped back to write because, well, I miss it, I've tried other spots but for now here is where I'll jot stuff down. I miss the odd snippets that jog memories. I've been working for a year and a half now and yes, time flies. Doesn't always feel like it but before I blink another day's gone by. I like the idea of "a 1000 gifts", a book and blog series I came across centred around appreciating the little things to be thankful for in everyday life. I like the thought of taking a moment to appreciate the amazingness of life because at times it can feel pretty rough. So here's to remembering the good things and the fantastic things and the things that can all too quickly be forgotten.

Listening to: Biffy Clyro - Mountains
via FoxyTunes