teenage dream

I love this song. It goes on in the car when I need a bit of a pep talk in the mornings. I drive a slightly longer distance to a couple of peripheral clinics a couple of days a week and sometimes the best part is driving in the car music turned up and forgetting all about work/clinics/life. Sometimes a bit of space is good. I have a mental playlist of my own feel good songs. Sometimes I think I haven't enjoyed chunks of time at school, at uni, my year out blah, blah, concerned about what people think, passing exams, my weight, my face blah blah. I always think it'll get better, I'll try harder but sometimes I forget to just live. Do my best and be done. But even with Katy Perry it's difficult. And now I need to decide should I go to a ball? I've got this fear of balls, from school I think and yet almost 10 years later it's stuck with me. I guess I should tell myself to get over it. It's definitely about time.

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Listening to: Katy Perry - Teenage Dream
via FoxyTunes

mondays

Now that I'm working closer to 9-5, I seem to get that oh god it's monday feeling on a nice lazy sunday evening. Gah. Horrible. But nonetheless I grumble my way round monday mornings and drag my self into work. I spend the morning thinking of the one hundred and one other jobs I'd rather do then by midday or so I've kinda realised I'm stuck with my lot and what the hell am I thinking, just get on with it for christ's sake woman. Then the afternoon goes by and I get so happy at the prospect of home time, anyone would think I was back at school. And here we are. Wishing my life away, one chunk at a time. I'll do that, AFTER my exams, after my results,after 1 st year after 5 th year and so we go; wishing life away slowly; but, surely there's more to enjoy than exams, study, assessments, work. Ha! Wishful thinking. But then I was actually thinking for once and you know perhaps this is just the season of work, of passing exams, of jumping through hoops. Maybe I should just try and enjoy it, rather than fighting it all the time. Just Maybe. I'm game to give the new theory a go. For one thing it has to be more fun!
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Listening to: Martin Solveig & Dragonette - Hello
via FoxyTunes

day 12 of 12

And it's the weekend! A weekend all to myself, no hospital butting in. It feels sort of strange. Like I'm at a loose end. I'm sat here thinking through to-do-lists, running through the patient's on the ward, going over conversations with relatives in my head. The tv's on in the background and I'm typing but I'm in another place. Still at the hospital and still with the patients. Is this what all consuming is? Cos I'm pretty much sucked right in. And now I need to get out. Leave work at work and be at home at home. Relax.

And a hug would be great!

adjusting

And it's working, finally, the internet. I feel like I'm reconnected with my life. Bank, email, training, work suddenly becomes much easier when you're not trying to do everything five minutes before the library closes. Or in zero time when you get to the door and it's just closed for the night. Work takes up a pretty big chunk of time. Internet training modules seem to take up an even bigger chunk: who doesn't want to do 5 quizzes on healthcare associated infection, learn about the ins and outs of fire safety, death certification and more interestingly admittedly prescribing and pharmacy. That was my day off. The day before was altogether better, it was pay day. Gulp, I realised it's time to budget, save, find out what an ISA is, think about what to do with an overdraft I was always so happy to extend just a few months ago. Responsibility. I mean who wants it really?

I've back home too. Not to live with my parents. But it's good to be back. That's the very red front door and after scouring round plenty of pretty dire shoe boxes expecting hefty rents, this place hit the nail on the head. Nice on the inside and ok pricewise too. I've even discovered the sofa is super comfy for post-nights slumber. Sssh, don't tell anyone, I dig out a cosy blanket and curl up on the sofa with the chunky pillow and turn on whatever day time delight is on the tv and promptly fall pretty much unconcious for the rest of the day. I always seem to be slightly confused on wakening in the evening to the same episode of Friends that was on that morning, before stumbling up from the couch to fall into shower and start the day again just as it seems the rest of the world are going out on the town or going to bed....then I'm in the hospital again....

footloose and fancy free

5 years ago I had a couple of months left in Malawi, the country I was calling home during my year out. I had lived there for 10 months by this time and was pretty much settled into life there. I left a young wee peely waly 17 year old and was already a rather browner, fatter 18 year old version of the same self that had left Scotland the year before. I'm not sure what I expected during the fashionable, if a little common, "gap year."
-did I want to discover my true self? (not really, not my sort of thing.)
-did I want to be someoneelse? (yes I was desperate to not be me.)
-did I want to see the world? (apparently not as I spent much of the year in one place in one country, a wee road trip to South Africa aside.)
-did I want to save the world? (yes, I had a vague notion this was entirely possible)

But even now I'm not sure quite what made me so sure I wanted to take this rite of passage getting on with life. I just knew I really really wanted to. I decided that nothing less than 12months away would suffice so Project Trust it was. None of this namby pamby 3 month business. I wanted the real deal and nothing less. I can't remember even properly asking my parents if I could go; I had sort of decided it all already in my head: I would go for the selection week and take it from there. I could then spend the next 9 months or so fundraising before leaving for year out country (now known as Malawi-Project Trust don't tell you where you go until after the selection week) when I finished my last year of school.

The letter with my assigned country and project arrived and I had to go and find Malawi on the map. And then it was time to start raising the £3500. Car boot sales, car washes, guess the teddy's birthday, bag packing, dishwashing....you name we were onto it. And I was amazed by everyones genorosity and words of encouragement. But I don't think I ever knew just how hard this year would be. I wasn't going to suddenly grow into this confident, skinny, go getting girl who could speak to anyone and have any man she wished. Oh how I wanted just that to happen.

I went on the training week, met the girl who I'd be spending this year with as we'd be working on the same project and packed my rucksacks ready to fly away the next morning. I said my goodbyes. Not so emotional. A quick hug, words to take care and have fun and that was me. Off to Heathrow where I'd meet the rest of the Malawi group and where we'd board South African Airways Johannesburg flight before connecting to Blantyre in Malawi. I desperately wanted to tell the businessman next to me I was going to Africa for A YEAR, A WHOLE YEAR, BY MYSELF but instead I buried my head in Shopaholic Goes Abroad and lost myself in Becky Bloomwood's perfect life.

I'd not been so sure of my project partner for the year when we met on training-she was everything I wanted to be and I was intimidated to say the least. So we muddled by, both afraid to say what we were all thinking: would we get on and survive the year or would one of us crack and leave? We were in the air, we were gone.
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Listening to: James Morrison - The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore
via FoxyTunes

mornings as they should be

I'm a sucker for Sophie Kinsella's books, an avid fan of becky bloomwood of Shopaholic fame and I've just finished this one curled up in bed on a Sunday morning with the sun streaming through my window. Bliss. Well, bliss apart from deciding in my infinite wisdom it would be a great idea to go and cheer on my moon walking friend (www.walkthewalk.org). Now this 26.2 mile extravaganza was scheduled to swing near my flat so I thought why not, she's walking the marathon, least I can do is drag myself up and walk half a mile. Plan. Not so much, misjudged all the timings, got up at 3.30am, got to the top of the road only to discover that they'd all long since past and they were clearing away the road closure cones. Ah ha, mobile phones have been invented so I ring moonwalker and she does indeed confirm they are now on the other side of the city. So I made my back home dodging all the party animals (read: ever so slightly tipsy souls teetering back home after a hard night). As I stumbled through the door and into bed, I caught a glimpse of the sun just starting to creep up and that glorious glowing sky that comes with it. I guess I should thank my lucky stars, it's not every day a taste of an African morning is on your doorstep. After all the naturey ponderings, I decided, in my substantially better wisdom this time, it was time to go back to bed. And so I started reading Kinsella's latest number (as seen above) and promptly scoffed it much like a good old bar of Dairy Milk (minus the calories...score)

and so it really is.....

I passed my finals and I'm now a doctor! It still hasn't quite sunk in. Now for the world of work....ahhhh!

getting it together

Last night was bad. Well not all bad. I did watch Alfie, not that great a film but filled in an hour or so. But then, I did also cry, a lot. Something which I haven't done for a long time and you know what, it was kinda cathartic. It did sort of wake me up and realise I need to get myself together. Whether these exams go well or not, I need to find a way to cope with the downs as well as the ups. I need to cope with change, with responsibility, with LIFE. I guess there's no time like the present, huh. And, I can't let myself go back into those dark spots where there seems to be no way out. Or if I do, (which is the more realistic side of the bargain) I need to learn how to get out preferably the speedier the better.

melancholia

I'm frustrated, bored, fed up, knackered.....I could go on but I'm just not a happy chappette. I can't drum up any enthuiasm for anything. I just want to curl up in bed. Why? I have no idea. The next few months fill me with dread. I think I'm going to come down with a fatal illness. I think the worst in everything-people around me, places around me, anything = disaster. I guess I like a neat explanation for everything in life. I like straight lines, sharp edges, organisation. I guess you just can't get that. You'd think I'd have that worked it out by now. But it seems it's just the beginning. I need to do some soul searching...ooo, soul searching what a yuppy concept but I think it might just do me some good. As Elizabeth Gilbert discovered in the Love part of her Eat, Pray, Love journey, balance is something worth going for. And right now I feel all off kilter. Right off balance.

lazy days

It's almost 3pm and I've just got dressed. In the name of the flat maintainence company coming to fix the smoke alarms. Otherwise I was quite happy puddling in my pyjamas. Trouble is the less I have to do the less I do, till I'm, virtually, to all intents and purposes, a bum. I did sort out BT stuff today for moving, deal with dreaded bank stuff and well, darn it I thought I had done at least 3 productive things. Well, after these people come I'll go do a third. It's not like there aren't things to be done. Job Forms, pre registration, occupational health checks, disclosure stuff....gah, too much like real life so maybe tomorrow.

So at least the maintence people won't think I'm a bum....I'm dressed and the flat is spick and span after yesterday's rather late spring clean.
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Listening to: Feeder - Tumble and Fall
via FoxyTunes

quiet days

I felt housewifey today. After watching Mama Mia and eating chocolate cookies at 8am this morning (if only I could sleep past 6am life would be easy) I felt energetic enough to tear apart the kitchen and get stuck into some cleaning. Surfaces, floors, you name it's washed. Then the hall, my room, the bathroom and bliss, desperate housewives in a spick and span flat. Nothing better. Then it was off for a shop and an attempt to didge the thunder and rain. What's with the tropical weather.....I have no idea but it makes me feel like I could almost be back in Malawi...mmhmm!

Planning a wee cycle trip I think to fill in the next few days trying to avoid this gruelling wait for results.

there might be more to life....

Well, sometimes I wonder but today I had a wee snippet of what life after exams and results might be like. A good med school friend and her friend (up visiting) came round for lunch. A barbecue was planned but gah, the weather failed us. So the oven had to suffice. Not a problem. No revision to be thinking of just a good ol' catch up gossip. Then I baked. Something which I haven't done for almost a year but something which is precious to me. In between, I've been reading Eat, Love, Pray. If only I could find my spiritual side. Yes, I'm still looking but it's a real good read.

sunny sundays and yes, deja vu too

Sun's shining and I'm inside. Oo, deja vu...yes I think so. Summer just creeping in = exams! For the 5th year now and for 3 years at school, ouch. Buit nothing for it to keep the head in the books, got too much to lose now. Boy do the stakes feel high.

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Listening to: Beyoncé - Deja Vu
via FoxyTunes

Spent today at the hospice as part of the introduction to geriatrics this week. We had some palliative care last year too and it pops up, not surprisingly, in general medicine, general practice and surgery too with talk about "do not resussitate"forms etc. Somewhat weirdly I guess I find it quite a fascinating topic but somewhat less weirdly, for a 23 year old, I guess I find I get work myself down thinking about disease, people and ultimatley death no matter how much peaceful, serene deaths are talked about. Medicine is a lot to deal with, your own mortality is pretty much whacked in your face most days and yet you're just starting life so to speak in your early twenties. A Reverend spoke to us at the end of the day about his role as part of the hospice team and talked animatedly about bringing people to a peace before they pass whether they are athetists, devout christians or muslims. Perhaps, we should take something from this and be this frank and open everyday but I guess it wouldn't be life...... the one thing it does, a day talking of dying and death, is put finals in perspective. But that's no excuse for the lack of studying here. I wonder what I'll be thinking on my death bed. What will I regret? What will I be thinking? These years on earth seem short so I guess I should enjoy, make the most of it and get going.....

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Listening to: The Saturdays - Just Can't Get Enough (Radio Mix)
via FoxyTunes

After the nasty start to yesterday, I dragged myself to the gym in the evening before babysitting and felt a hundred times better. There's a lesson for me. It's amazing what a good run can do for the soul.

I also spoke to my flatmate who is away in Tanzania at the moment and heard lots about how she's settling in which was great.

Then it's off up north tomorrow to visit an old friend.

And would you believe that's 2 weeks worth of holiday gone....just like that....

And all this time I've been thinking lots about someone, someone who I thought lots about when I was on placement on my elective, someone who would stir up those butterflies in my stomach when he popped into the paeds ward, someone who made me lost for words when he said hi, someone who had a cracking smile which made me melt when I saw him walking towards me, someone who I never wanted to say bye too, someone who I've been praying for.....sometimes, I don't know how it could work between us, a pretty whacking great continent in the way, but sometimes he seems so perfect I wish so hard that it will, somehow, work in the end......god willing.

Oh and lastly, I found this sweet site, for a bit of thoughtfulness... http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/

Now for some work......

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Listening to: Goldfrapp - A&E (Single Version)
via FoxyTunes

a good chatter solves a multitude of things

Over the past couple of days I've spent most of the time myself and I guess wound myself into a bit of a downward spiral about things. And as some nasty thoughts went through my head tonight my phone rang and it was a good friend calling for one of our good catch up's. And low and behold an hour or so later I felt much better! Every month or so I guess we have a good natter and there's a lot to be thankful for there. I'm not a great socialite but I have some great close friends who, altthough live in various places up and down the country, still keep in touch and there's nothing a like a good old catch up. Now I just need to keep my head above water, otherwise I can't keep on like this, not when it's so close to the finish line. Sometimes, I think running a marathon would be easier than this.

sometimes it just feels such a phaff

This week just dragged from start to finish. Monday morning I forgot my bankcard and couldn't pay for my train ticket at the station so had no choice but to jump on the bus back to the flat, grab my card, and jump on bus number 3 of the day back to the station and it was only 7.15am. Missed the train (unsurprisingly) and waited 40 mins for the next one, missing first part of the morning and spending an extortionate amount on a (much needed) cuppa at the station while waiting. Then came Tuesday, set off the fire alarm in the accomodation at the hospital and 2 fire engines arrived with a lecture on evacuating the building on hearing the alarm (fellow student burned chicken so thought there was no need to all get out) from a (not even hot) fireman. I know they have the public's best interest at heart and I certainly have no leg to stand but... Ipod ran out of battery and no charger in sight. Wednesday got all nervous before my assesment when it went fine and got all hacked off about the amount of paperwork we have to do, log books, assessment forms, portfolios... Thursday motivation at an all time low and am feeling like I have cabin fever and just want to escape small town. My dad kindly pointed out I could of course leave small town anytime I wanted but that's not the point I said. Friday: got no 3 of 3 assessment forms signed off. plus point. motivation in my boots to go and see any patients so curled up with a cuppa and a good book til fellow students ready to go home too. minus point. So, this weekend needs some serious work if we're to get through this ordeal unscathed. Sometimes there's light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes it's a black hole with no escape.
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Listening to: Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
via FoxyTunes

25 random facts

tagged on facebook.....excellent waste of time.
1. I love the tune that goes with lloyds tsb adverts: it has a strange way of making me smile whenever I hear it.
2. I fall asleep to coldplay.
3. I love travelling on the train staring out the window plugged into my ipod daydreaming but usually an old granny/granda/bored mother/child decides they'd like to talk to me instead.
4. Everyone says I look like a kid-I can still pay child fare on the bus, well, in Aberdeen, anyway.
5. A boots lady there asked for id me when I was buying aspirin.
6. My favourite film is amelie, I think I'd like to be her in another life.
7.But I'm a complete sucker for any film with a happy ending....
8.I dream of being swept off my feet one day
9. But it's more likely, I trip over my own feet.
10. I'd love a big family but the thought of childbirth freaks me out so I think a general anaesthetic is the way to go. Stuff going natural.
11. I hate being cold. I love sitting reading with the sun on my back. (I think I should emigrate.)
12. I spent a year in Malawi now half of Scotland has been there. What can I say? I'm just a trend setter.
13. I now have a long and complicated relationship with Malawi. So beautiful but so screwed up. Don't get me talking politics. You'll most certainly regret it.
14. I was an au pair for 2 french kids and was a wreck by the end of the summer. Who said it was an easy way to learn french?
15. I love the idea of running. In reality, it's never quite so glamorous.
16. I'm a closet cleaning freak. And love nothing more than a clear out. Certain people may think I've no sentimentality. I say it's more an issue of practicality.
17. I dream of publishing a novel and living an idyllic, wrtier's life in the south of france in an old chateau. In reality, I'd never have the patience, talent or money to do any of these things.
18. I have a soft spot for chocolate chip cookies (but they have to be soft and squidgy in the middle).
19. And for Will Smith too (with stuble) but 7 pounds was a bit too emotional for me. Rugby players don't float my baot but tennis players do.
20. Mangoes are my favourite fruit and was in heaven when I went back to Malawi for my elective in mango season.
21.I love paediatrics but dealing with sick children is the hardest thing I've done.
22. I have an irrational fear of the police even though they brought me back my bike seat after some drunk stole it. A perfectly good use of police time.
23. I am incapable of making decisions (well fast anyway) so I usually miss the boat completely or drive others nuts while I'm thinking.
24. I hate photographs of myself....I always look a bit spaced out with my eyes half shut. But am now beginning to think that must just be how I am.
25.I have spent an hour doing this list while watching scrubs, eating chocolate biscuits and thinking I should be doing work.